i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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