every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
