ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
