Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
