please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
