I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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