I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
