apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
