you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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