I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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