Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
