Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Green mimosas i think yes
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
