I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
