i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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