if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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