This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She needs sedatives and a leash
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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