I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
