Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
