Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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