Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
