the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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