Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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