Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
