It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
