I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
