so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
