Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
