nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
