I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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