hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
