My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
