This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
