My friends, they love my intelligence
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
