I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
