What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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