I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
