Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
