the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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