He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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