I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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