She's like a pop up book from hell.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
