Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
