A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Umm I'm too high to move.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
