My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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