Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
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Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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