The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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