A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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