Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
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I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
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Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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