mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
