She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
