There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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