nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
