Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
