Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
