Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Drunk is a universal language darling
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
