i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
